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Ten Strategies For Helping Your Aging Parent Choose a Retirement Community

So the day you’ve been dreading has arrived. You, and maybe your siblings, have decided that mom or dad just can’t live in their house for a moment longer. For some reason, moving in with one of the kids isn’t an option. It’s time to find the right place for the next chapter. If you’re like many adult children of aging parents, your parent disagrees with your decision and thinks it’s okay to stay home. She doesn’t want to hear about moving into an “establishment.” And you feel, well, guilty. Sound familiar? Here are my top ten strategies for choosing (or helping to choose) a retirement living option for or with your aging parent.

 

1. Scout in advance – In most communities, there are many options for independent or assisted living. If you went to colleges with your teenager (or remember doing it yourself), you’ll know exactly what I mean. It can be difficult to determine what you need and what you want. If this is difficult for you, imagine what it will be like for your mom or your dad. Spare everyone, doing the leg work alone.

2. Understand math – Money matters. Your parents’ (and perhaps your own) resources will determine the range of options available. For example, if your relative has a house or condo for sale that is worth more than their mortgage, or if there is long-term care insurance and your relative meets the criteria for it to kick in, then you might to be in a very difficult situation. different situation from another family where the only resource is a monthly social security check. You’ll be doing everyone a favor by working out the numbers ahead of time to figure out how much you can spend each month and what needs to be included in that number. Most communities provide a handy worksheet that will help you understand all the factors that go into this calculation. Don’t confuse things by taking your parents to see a place that’s beyond your family’s means.

3. Narrow the choices down to no more than three or four using the Five S method – Once you have a list of possibilities that are within your budget and in the geographic area you desire, it’s time to narrow down the choices to a few where you think mom or dad will be happiest. I suggest you use the Five S method, taking into account size, sights, sounds, smells and services. What you’re really doing is looking for a good match based on a sixth “S” – similarities. You are looking for a place where the residents resemble your relative as closely as possible in terms of age, activity level, mental acuity, hobbies and interests, and socio-economic factors. After all, we all feel more comfortable in an environment where we feel comfortable and accepted.

4. Size – Will your mom or dad be more comfortable in a larger community with many residents or in a smaller, more intimate setting? Can your relative still get around reasonably well, or will a large campus get frustrating? Is your relative likely to take advantage of facilities that might be available in the wider community, or due to their physical or mental condition, are these facilities likely to remain unused? Will the size of the living unit suit your relative? For example, for many women, having a full kitchen is very important, even though they will receive two meals a day as part of their lifetime package. They think they’ll keep cooking because they always have and it’s an important way for them to always feel in control. On the other hand, many men are convinced that they need a “den” or “office” in their home and won’t hear of moving into a space that doesn’t have one. not. It is very important that you understand this psychology when considering alternative living units.

5. Curiosities – The classic line I hear when an aging parent comes to visit an independent or assisted living community is: “Everyone here is old!” In fact, it is sometimes true. Some communities cater to an older crowd with more physical limitations, so you’ll see lots of walkers and wheelchair users. Other communities attract younger, more physically active residents where dinner jackets and ties are expected. You will also find that there are distinct differences in the “look and feel” from residence to residence. Some have an intimate atmosphere, while others resemble high-end hotels or even cruise ships! And still others give a more clinical or medical impression. Ask yourself if you can “see” your relative in a particular community. Take the time to notice the details, especially in public spaces.

6. Sounds – When you first enter the community, is there silence or do you hear a loud television set? Or maybe you hear phones ringing and beeping, much like you would in a hospital. Do you feel that residents socialize, congregate and participate in activities?

7. Odors – Try to visit about half an hour before the meal and notice the smell. Is it attractive? When you’re in the living spaces, does it look and smell good? Does there seem to be a strong “air freshener” smell everywhere that could be used to mask less than optimal cleaning? Our sense of smell is a fabulous clue to what is really going on.

8. Services – Some communities provide a continuum of care, so residents can access an independent living situation and then transition to assisted living, skilled nursing, or a memory unit if and when that care is needed. This may be ideal if both of your parents are moving in and one needs more care than the other, or if your parent has an illness that you know will change over time. You will also want to consider the service offerings available to help your relative with activities of daily living, transportation, physiotherapy, etc. Finally, take a close look at the social calendar because one of the huge benefits of community living for seniors is the degree of interaction with others that helps keep them active and alert.

9. Ask for and check references – Before deciding that a particular community is on the shortlist, be sure to ask and check a few references. Ask permission to speak with family members of two or three current or recent residents. When you have these conversations, don’t be afraid to ask tough questions, especially if there’s something on your mind about what you’ve been observing.

ten. Visit with your parent – Finally, it’s time to bring your parents for a tour of the three or four best options. Only ask them to visit communities that fit their needs and budget and where you feel comfortable. Whenever possible, it’s best to let your parents make the final decision about which community and living unit will be their new home.

 

Once you’ve made a decision, it’s important that you make it quickly. As the saying goes, “time kills all business,” and this one is no exception. You, or your relative, will always be able to find a reason why it’s not the right time for this move. But the truth is, if you’ve gotten to the point where you’ve even started visiting communities, you probably know in your heart that this decision is truly in your parents’ best interest.

©2009 LifeBridge Solutions, LLC

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